When our “R” (reconciliation) is going well, it’s easy enough to feel at least calm, if not entirely confident. It’s easy to think, “It’s going to be okay.” It’s maybe even easy to think that the marriage is going to survive this nightmare.
But there are always snags, it seems. Little “twigs” that might reach out and cause me to pause for a moment or two, but also giant trees that have been felled by some storm, and that cause me to trip, fall, and reevaluate the path I’ve chosen.
One of the things I know about my husband was that during the A (or leading up to it) with OW1, he commented on a Facebook picture she’d shared of herself, “Just beautiful”. This weekend, he told me that part of what drew him to her was that she was my exact opposite, in every way. Yeah…let that sink in. EVERY way. I mean, except that we both do have girl parts, I guess. Hers were just A LOT more appealing to him. So much so that her “interest” in him meant that he must be something special. That’s also why, whenever I said anything positive to him about his appearance, it meant nothing. Truly…because my appearance to him was apparently so unattractive, that I had no street cred, I guess. I’m not exactly smokin’ hot or even very pretty, but it reminded me how much he values women who are attractive (and resents men who are attractive).
We – or perhaps it is just me – encountered a fallen tree this weekend. And it is causing me to reconsider my decision to reconcile. I don’t know when I will know the answer about this path, but I trust that at some point, I will know. It actually has little to do with appearance, except tangentially. While trying to explain that he does want to be with me, he pointed out that prior to DDay, he would have been checking out the lady who sat at the bar where we had dinner this part Saturday evening. “But now,” he said reassuringly, “I only have eyes for you.”
And…I’m supposed to be happy that my husband has managed to convince himself that I’m good enough for him after all? Or that maybe his internal moral compass didn’t allow him to wander this time? What about when I’m not around?
I don’t know, friends. But I think we have a long, long way to go, and I realize now that there is a chance that we’re not heading toward celebrating our silver or gold anniversary, but rather, that a divorce judge may indeed be the wizard at the end of our yellow brick road.