Today, I just feel sad and angry and resentful that he did it. I’m glad that I finally have more good days than bad, but I still have not managed to put away the resentment I feel that he was so unbelievably selfish, that he even allowed those bitches to think that they had any value at all, but especially that he did not immediately convey to them that they would never be more important than our kids.
Like I told him after DDay, sure, he can go ahead and throw away our marriage. I will never ask him to stay – if he doesn’t WANT to be here, I sure as hell don’t want him here, either. But you mess with my kids – or if you allow someone else to hurt them – the hell you will unleash will make you realize that there are no fucks worth crossing this mama bear. That he didn’t feel the same way about his children just blows my mind. It simply does not compute. What kind of man cheats his kids out of having a dad they can look up to?
So yeah. Some days aren’t so great. Yes, I see him working his arse off to support us and to be a better man. To make up for what he did. And most days, that is enough to keep me in the present. But the thing is, my two older kids KNOW. They know at least some of the story, because they overheard us talking that first week. And my sweet teen daughter especially is so sensitive; she would see my crying, give me a hug, and whisper, “I love you, mama.”
And some days, I worry that I am showing them that it’s okay to stay after being betrayed, when everything in my body screams, “NO IT IS NOT.” It’s moments like this when I can read something like what I wrote yesterday, and wonder who I was then. I feel like I’ve been split in two.
Some days, it’s just hard.